Too Cabaret: i Cabarioters inglesi vs Gary Barlow

Frisky: Hem hem, shall we call this meting to order? First order of business. It has been brought to our attention, that the word “cabaret”, is being used in a derogatory fashion on primetime television show, The X Factor. Namely by head judge, Gary Barlow MBE.

Lady Alex: What?!?!

Mat Ricardo: Gary who?

Bernadette Byrne: What is his problem?

Joe Black: Such a knobface!

Bunny Galore: Dress him in sequins and force-feed him bubbly wine!

All: YEAH!

Mat Ricardo: Seriously, Gary who?

Kiki Kaboom: What? Are we cabarioting? Alright, I’m in.

All: YES!

Frisky: No. Operation Gary Bar-NO is already in action. As we speak, Mannish is at ITV Studios, infiltrating the X Factor panel gaining inside information…

Mannish: Hey!

Frisky: You look different.

Mannish: Do I? mmh. I’ve just come back from ITV. I managed to talk to Gary.

Benjamin Louche: Khhhhh !

Mannish: No, hear me out, right? So, Gary is pretty amazing. It’s like he’s made of caramel or something. And his eyes are so hypnotic –

Frisky: Why are you talking with a northern accent?
Mannish: And before I knew it, right, I was auditioning for him, doing my usual tried-and-tested old cabaret shtick, and then… I realised. Gary’s been right this whole time, guys. And it’s us. Us that need to change. So deluded.

Frisky: Seriously, what the cock?

Mannish: Let me tell you exactly what he said, exactly how he said it.
HEY THERE, WIDE-EYED HOPEFUL
STANDING ON THE X
TELLING ME YOUR STORY
YOU BORE ME
[spoken] You bore me!
WEARING ALL THOSE SEQUINS
WITH GLITTER ON YOUR FACE
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF THAT?
HERE’S WHAT GARY THOUGHT OF THAT
IT WAS “CABARET”
IT WAS A LITTLE BIT “CABARET”
LOOKING DESPERATE AND SO PASSÉ
LIKE A FAILED WANNABE
LIKE WHEN A KID SAYS “THAT’S SO GAY!”
TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT’S NOT OK
I’M SAYING YOU’RE TOO “CABARET”
AND IT’S A NO FROM ME
I mean, you all look ridiculous. Come on, it’s so embarrassing. Mostly for you.
Do you know what Gary told me? He told me that “cabaret” is an old French word meaning “bumface cringe failure”… so everyone who does it, tey are all just bumfaces who couldn´t get a mainstream recording carrer. All that glitter you´re wearing, it´s just hiding your BUMFACE.

Sarah-Louise Young: Stop calling me a bumface.

Mannish: Do you know what else Gary told me, and it´s totally make sense right?! When ever you do “cabaret,” you’re always on a cruise ship.

Coco Dubois: I actually have never been on a cruise in my life.

Mannish: Ohh, and is that what you want? A career full of brokend dreams and prawn cocktails.

Vicky Butterfly: But I like prawns.

Mannish: Come on, we need to do something about this. We need an X FACTOR MAKEOVER!

All:
CABARET
DON’T GIVE IN TO CABARET
DON’T WEAR SOMETHING THAT SUGGESTS YOU’RE GAY
YOU WANT THE PUBLIC TO LIKE YOU
SAY NO TO CABARET
KEEP AWAY FROM THAT CRUISE BUFFET
PUT THE FEATHERS DOWN AND WALK AWAY
THIS IS GARY’S DECREE

Mannish:
THIS SONG IS SO AMAZING
IT’S LIKE AN ANGEL CHOIR FROM GOD
SERENE FACE
A FINAL TASTEFUL RIFF NOW
STARE INTO THE DISTANCE
STARE INTO THE CAMERA
STARE INTO THE MUSIC